Tom & Jerry With A Mental Five

The other day I heard some crazy, over-the-top, Harry-Met-Sally type, monkey-sex noises going on next door. I mean this was like a cartoon. Bumping and banging and crashing - in my head I imagined it like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where there is just a tornado of dust and limbs where lamps start crashing and suddenly a cat squeals.

But the main noise was a loud girl's voice, panting, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Dude was hittin' it. I gave him a "Mental High Five!" to represent.

MENTAL FIVE!!!!

Then it ended and I went on with my life. Ok I giggled for a few hours with the wife and THEN went on with my life.

But the next morning, the most amazing thing happened - we both walked out of our apartments at exactly the same time.

I didn't know what to do! Do I ask her if she is ok because I heard some noises last night? Do I ask her if her lamp broke because it sounded expensive? Should I ask her not to pray so loudly?

But I just did what any mature individual would do - I followed her down the stairs giggling all the way to my car. As soon as I got into my car I called the wife to explain what happened - in my excited state all I could get out was:

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

Her answer?

"That's what she said."


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Not So Complicated

Guys are simple. I have no idea why girls can't figure this out. In fact, Vanilla Ice even spelled it out pretty clearly in his hit song "Ice, Ice, Baby"

"If you gotta problem, yo, I'll solve it."

BAM! Lyrical genius.

Guys see the entire world that way - what is the problem, how can I fix it?

Here is an example of a guy's train of thought -

"Hmmm, my toothbrush looks like Carrot Top's head...I better go buy a new one."

Guy then goes to the store, picks up some random toothbrush based on some factor - extra bristles, tongue cleaner, Superman logo - and takes it to the counter and pays whatever price is for that toothbrush because that toothbrush is obviously the best.

Girls - no chance.

A girl will come home from the store with a stack of eight toothbrushes because her "favorite" toothbrush was on sale for a "crazy deal".

We, as guys, don't understand this.

Who needs eight toothbrushes? Maybe Jewel because her snaggle tooth rips those puppies to shreds, but what normal girl needs eight toothbrushes?

Second, who has a FAVORITE toothbrush? I, apparently, don't have enough intimacy with my toothbrush to have developed a lasting relationship. I have no idea what brand it is or any distinguishing features. I know it has this, like, handle thingy...and maybe some bristles on the end. I can't confirm that. If you asked me to name my favorite toothbrush I would say the giant one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Finally, how do girls know how much a toothbrush costs to do a comparative analysis? When my toothbrush kicks the bucket and it is time to buy a new one - CVS could name any price they wanted. If I walked in and every toothbrush was $30 I wouldn't blink. My brain is too busy debating Megan Fox vs Alessandra Ambrosio to contain information about Oral-B.

Or maybe I'm just pissed my new toothbrush doesn't have a Superman logo.



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Superman Pwns Batman

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I Want Some!!!! (NSFW, kinda)

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Jennifer's Body Red Band Trailer

Megan Fox as a bi-sexual killer.... AWESOME!!!





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Overslept

You know who I feel bad for? That guy in the office that always seems to end up having overslept his alarm and gets to work a half hour late!!!

OMG, can you imagine the thought!!!

Getting TOO much sleep?

So much sleep that you have to say that you actually OVERslept!!!

Oh the horror! Poor guy probably woke up all fully rested and without the ringing headache the rest of us get from the scream of the alarm clock.

I’ll tell you what a real problem is – UNDERsleeping. That fact that I wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off every single day.... sucks.

Do you know what you can do with those extra 20 minutes?

Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what!

You can’t fall back asleep because the very second you finally do fall back to sleep you know your alarm is gonna go off. There’s some loopy time/space continuum that forces this to happen.

So what do I do? I get up. Make myself some toast, and turn on the news just in time to catch the story about the squirrel that was shot in a possible gang related incident. WTF?!? Oh it’s Fox News, don’t know how or why the TV was tuned to that channel. Then I throw on some clothes and head to work.

But I did a horrible job of wasting time so now I’m at work way early and no one is around to annoy with my stupid jokes. I try to surf the web, but I already heard the story about the squirrel shooting, so that sucks. Then I figure I should start to work but instead sit there staring at the wall, trying to remember what it was that I was dreaming about earlier that morning. An hour or so later, after everyone has trickled in and you finally forget about how horrible your morning was, your buddy comes running in….

“Holy shit, dude. I overslept! I know I set the alarm and everything.... I must have screwed up the AM/PM or something. This SUCKS man!!”

Poor guy. Maybe I’ll send him that article about the squirrel to brighten his day.





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Eye Test: Just Say No To Abstinence

Hope for your sake you can read this:




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Nathan's Champ!!

Joey Chestnut scarfed down a whopping 68 hot dogs for a new worlds record and captures his third straight Nathan's July Fourth hot-dog eating contest at Coney Island.

Chestnut, hoisted the American flag and then stood proudly like an Olympic athlete as "The Star-Spangled Banner" played following his 68 to 64 1/2 dog victory over his archrival, six-time titleholder Takeru Kobayashi.

"This is great," Chestnut told ESPN, which broadcast the 10-minute contest live. "After the second minute, I knew that my body was cooperating and it was going to be hard to beat me."

The champion said he planned to celebrate his victory Saturday night with a lighter touch: a cobb salad with ranch dressing.

I wonder if these guys use wet wipes??




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No Peeking

We use public restrooms quite frequently in our day to day lives. At malls, restaurants, and at the movies just to name a few. And when I approach the stalls, instinctively I enter a zone learned early on in my childhood where certain rules MUST be followed. These rules can not be and must not be bent at all. I always believed that every dude had learned these rules early on in their lives. Yet, over and over again I find myself at the stall, when another dude will come and break one of these rules. So as sort of a public service, please read and follow these rules:

1) Your head and eyes must always be focused on the wall directly in front of you; never shift your sight left or right no matter what.
2) Allow at least one stall between yourself and other restroom occupants. If there are no other occupants go to the farthest stall from the door. Actually just stay as far away as possible.
3) Conversation should be extremely limited, even if a friend happens to be relieving himself at the same time only, the bare minimum please.
4) Never flush, you don’t want to touch the stall handle and the infinite number of germs collected on it. Luckily most urinals today have the auto flushing systems.
5) Throughly wash your hands, then use the paper towel to open the door and exit the restroom.
6) Never ever poo in a public toilet. If you can hold it, just wait. Squeeze that sphincter and get home ASAP.

These rule should be followed by every guy entering a restroom. Never deviate from them. They are very very important.

Here is a game to help you figure out which stall to use.






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