You'll Ask Yourself....WTF????

This is nine kinds of awesome. I don't know what the purpose of this video is but, who really cares....

Watch the whole thing, and you will ask yourself... WTF???




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Hazard Ahead

Those gals over at McAfee have come up with their list of most "dangerous" celebs in cyberspace. Fans searching online for Jessica Biel have a one-in-five chance of hitting a web site with malware, according to the third annual report listing Hollywood's most "dangerous" online celebrities.

This makes the curvacious star 2009's most dangerous, edging out Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston. I hope this dubious distinction doesn't have the chilling effect of discouraging tinseltown's young hotties from posing for revealing photos.



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A Special Gift

With the days of summer nearly half gone, I've come across an amazing product that deserves your attention.

A German company has invented a marvelous new bikini that disappears once a girl puts it on and takes a swim.


The "Get Naked" bikini is all the rage in Germany. Why?... Well duh....

Get one HERE for your special someone today!!



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What Bo Don't Know

Bo don't know...

What T-Pain sounds like without auto-tune
Who the hell Paris Hilton and Perez Hilton are
How they put the wonder in Wonder bread
Why Amy Winehouse won’t go to rehab
What’s going on with the economic bailout plan
The Colonel’s secret recipe
How nobody has yet to figure out that Clark Kent is Superman
Jack, cause Bo can't rap


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The Hova Pie

Saw this on Jay-Z's excel workbook....







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Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes

Good ole Mr. Skin has provided over the years a grandiose assortment of videos for your spank bank. But to be honest who has the time to sort through all of the titillating information. Well luckily, the guys over at Mr. Skin have just finished putting together their list of the Top 100 Celebrity Nude Scenes.

They've crowned Phoebe Cates' pool scene, from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" as the ultimate all-time nude scene.

Take a peek to see where your favorite celeb ranked on the list.






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Tom & Jerry With A Mental Five

The other day I heard some crazy, over-the-top, Harry-Met-Sally type, monkey-sex noises going on next door. I mean this was like a cartoon. Bumping and banging and crashing - in my head I imagined it like a Tom and Jerry cartoon where there is just a tornado of dust and limbs where lamps start crashing and suddenly a cat squeals.

But the main noise was a loud girl's voice, panting, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

Dude was hittin' it. I gave him a "Mental High Five!" to represent.

MENTAL FIVE!!!!

Then it ended and I went on with my life. Ok I giggled for a few hours with the wife and THEN went on with my life.

But the next morning, the most amazing thing happened - we both walked out of our apartments at exactly the same time.

I didn't know what to do! Do I ask her if she is ok because I heard some noises last night? Do I ask her if her lamp broke because it sounded expensive? Should I ask her not to pray so loudly?

But I just did what any mature individual would do - I followed her down the stairs giggling all the way to my car. As soon as I got into my car I called the wife to explain what happened - in my excited state all I could get out was:

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!"

Her answer?

"That's what she said."


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Not So Complicated

Guys are simple. I have no idea why girls can't figure this out. In fact, Vanilla Ice even spelled it out pretty clearly in his hit song "Ice, Ice, Baby"

"If you gotta problem, yo, I'll solve it."

BAM! Lyrical genius.

Guys see the entire world that way - what is the problem, how can I fix it?

Here is an example of a guy's train of thought -

"Hmmm, my toothbrush looks like Carrot Top's head...I better go buy a new one."

Guy then goes to the store, picks up some random toothbrush based on some factor - extra bristles, tongue cleaner, Superman logo - and takes it to the counter and pays whatever price is for that toothbrush because that toothbrush is obviously the best.

Girls - no chance.

A girl will come home from the store with a stack of eight toothbrushes because her "favorite" toothbrush was on sale for a "crazy deal".

We, as guys, don't understand this.

Who needs eight toothbrushes? Maybe Jewel because her snaggle tooth rips those puppies to shreds, but what normal girl needs eight toothbrushes?

Second, who has a FAVORITE toothbrush? I, apparently, don't have enough intimacy with my toothbrush to have developed a lasting relationship. I have no idea what brand it is or any distinguishing features. I know it has this, like, handle thingy...and maybe some bristles on the end. I can't confirm that. If you asked me to name my favorite toothbrush I would say the giant one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Finally, how do girls know how much a toothbrush costs to do a comparative analysis? When my toothbrush kicks the bucket and it is time to buy a new one - CVS could name any price they wanted. If I walked in and every toothbrush was $30 I wouldn't blink. My brain is too busy debating Megan Fox vs Alessandra Ambrosio to contain information about Oral-B.

Or maybe I'm just pissed my new toothbrush doesn't have a Superman logo.



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Superman Pwns Batman

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I Want Some!!!! (NSFW, kinda)

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Jennifer's Body Red Band Trailer

Megan Fox as a bi-sexual killer.... AWESOME!!!





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Overslept

You know who I feel bad for? That guy in the office that always seems to end up having overslept his alarm and gets to work a half hour late!!!

OMG, can you imagine the thought!!!

Getting TOO much sleep?

So much sleep that you have to say that you actually OVERslept!!!

Oh the horror! Poor guy probably woke up all fully rested and without the ringing headache the rest of us get from the scream of the alarm clock.

I’ll tell you what a real problem is – UNDERsleeping. That fact that I wake up 20 minutes before the alarm goes off every single day.... sucks.

Do you know what you can do with those extra 20 minutes?

Absolutely fucking nothing, that’s what!

You can’t fall back asleep because the very second you finally do fall back to sleep you know your alarm is gonna go off. There’s some loopy time/space continuum that forces this to happen.

So what do I do? I get up. Make myself some toast, and turn on the news just in time to catch the story about the squirrel that was shot in a possible gang related incident. WTF?!? Oh it’s Fox News, don’t know how or why the TV was tuned to that channel. Then I throw on some clothes and head to work.

But I did a horrible job of wasting time so now I’m at work way early and no one is around to annoy with my stupid jokes. I try to surf the web, but I already heard the story about the squirrel shooting, so that sucks. Then I figure I should start to work but instead sit there staring at the wall, trying to remember what it was that I was dreaming about earlier that morning. An hour or so later, after everyone has trickled in and you finally forget about how horrible your morning was, your buddy comes running in….

“Holy shit, dude. I overslept! I know I set the alarm and everything.... I must have screwed up the AM/PM or something. This SUCKS man!!”

Poor guy. Maybe I’ll send him that article about the squirrel to brighten his day.





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Eye Test: Just Say No To Abstinence

Hope for your sake you can read this:




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Nathan's Champ!!

Joey Chestnut scarfed down a whopping 68 hot dogs for a new worlds record and captures his third straight Nathan's July Fourth hot-dog eating contest at Coney Island.

Chestnut, hoisted the American flag and then stood proudly like an Olympic athlete as "The Star-Spangled Banner" played following his 68 to 64 1/2 dog victory over his archrival, six-time titleholder Takeru Kobayashi.

"This is great," Chestnut told ESPN, which broadcast the 10-minute contest live. "After the second minute, I knew that my body was cooperating and it was going to be hard to beat me."

The champion said he planned to celebrate his victory Saturday night with a lighter touch: a cobb salad with ranch dressing.

I wonder if these guys use wet wipes??




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No Peeking

We use public restrooms quite frequently in our day to day lives. At malls, restaurants, and at the movies just to name a few. And when I approach the stalls, instinctively I enter a zone learned early on in my childhood where certain rules MUST be followed. These rules can not be and must not be bent at all. I always believed that every dude had learned these rules early on in their lives. Yet, over and over again I find myself at the stall, when another dude will come and break one of these rules. So as sort of a public service, please read and follow these rules:

1) Your head and eyes must always be focused on the wall directly in front of you; never shift your sight left or right no matter what.
2) Allow at least one stall between yourself and other restroom occupants. If there are no other occupants go to the farthest stall from the door. Actually just stay as far away as possible.
3) Conversation should be extremely limited, even if a friend happens to be relieving himself at the same time only, the bare minimum please.
4) Never flush, you don’t want to touch the stall handle and the infinite number of germs collected on it. Luckily most urinals today have the auto flushing systems.
5) Throughly wash your hands, then use the paper towel to open the door and exit the restroom.
6) Never ever poo in a public toilet. If you can hold it, just wait. Squeeze that sphincter and get home ASAP.

These rule should be followed by every guy entering a restroom. Never deviate from them. They are very very important.

Here is a game to help you figure out which stall to use.






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Such An Asswipe

I went over to a friends place for some beer and food, cause well, I was bored.

After an hour of drinking beer and playing video games I had to go tinkle in the little boy’s room.

As I was draining the ole anaconda… I noticed a pack of Wet Wipes next to the toilet. So I washed my hands, got back to the living room and asked him about the wipes.

“Hey dude, what are the wipes for?”

He said to me, “Well, mudbutt, they are to make my cheeks look like Mr. Clean’s head. And if I want to slap a wet nap between my cheeks like my butt just had a bucket of chicken wings – then that’s nobodies beez wax!! Oh and it feels great too!!”

On the drive home later that evening, I began to ponder the thought. Should I go and purchase some wet wipes for my sexy butt. I mean I’ve always figured toilet paper was good enough. I understand that sometimes you feel like all the toilet paper is doing is moving shit things around. So if I were to add a wet wipe into the mix suddenly my ass would feel like it was staying at the Ritz-Carlton.

I know that it’s gonna be a big jump. I’m not sure I’m prepared to just set that box of wet wipes on the back of the toilet and display to the world that I have a squeaky clean booty. Maybe I’ll wait till late one night, lock the doors, and put on some smooth jazz as I let the velvety caress of the wipes take me to nirvana.

Wonder what the wife is gonna say when she sees the wipes next to the toilet.

I don’t know what to do…

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Farting In Public

There is this guy at work, who will remain nameless because he does read this blog every now and then, who farts almost on a daily basis around all of us. With not a bit of bashfulness he lets them go like nothing happened and keeps going with his day.

Yet as natural and commonplace as the act is, others are still embarrassed to let it rip in public places and around others. I personally find it funny to cut the cheese around my wife and family. Especially the silent ones!! The other night she went to bed before me, and she had the fan facing her. So I decided to let one rip into the fan and she woke up from the stink… it was gut bustingly hilarious!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

There are those who seem to think that it’s “not cool” to fart in public. To them I say, “ppssshhhh!”

Yet I do understand that sometimes it’s probably better to hold it in. Like say during a job interview. Probably not a good idea, you best clench up and hold it. Just wait till you get through the interview and let it rip when you get outside. Times like these call for squeezing the ole sphincter.

But when you’re around friends what’s the big deal. When you’re in an elevator who cares. Besides “whoever smelt it dealt it.” Play the blame game. So let one rip and don’t be embarrassed. Why should you feel that you will be ridiculed, for something that is so natural?

So when you have to toot, do you let the vapors go or do you squeeze like your like life depends on it.


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The Week That Was

In case you missed it....

• Josh Brolin's first pics as Jonah Hex
• New Moon Trailer was debuted at MTV awards
• Bruce Campbell confirms a remake of Evil Dead
• Bringing Summer to Dollhouse?
• Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation... just becareful you don't want to end up like David Carradine
• Freakishly-Long-Tongue Girls... ist this hot???
• Eminem was t-bagged by Bruno
• The first signs of Judgement Day
• Playstation's new PSP Go
• Halo Reach is announced fanboys have nerdgasms
• Metal Gear rising to Xbox 360

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E3's Big 3 And You Get To Meet Milo!!!

All three console makers have had their time in the spotlight at E3. There were tons of game announcements and new hardware announcements.

Real brief, Nintendo’s presentation sucked, a few new games but nothing exciting. They announced the Wii motion plus, blah blah blah…. in general it sucked.

PS3, had a few new game announcements, and a few exclusives that looked awesome. They had a Wiimote like motion controller. But the biggies for them were MAG and God Of War 3. Mag looked amazing in all its 128 vs 128 fps. And the visuals for GOW3 of course looked stunning.

But definetly, by far the Xbox 360 team were the clear cut winners at this years conference. They came up with Project Natal, the new wireless controller that has been around since the dawn of time. That controller being you! That’s right folks, you no longer need a plastic controller and be able to quickly push buttons, because you use your entire body as the controller. The system has a full body motion sensor that will mimic what you do in your living room, on screen. Amazing right! Check out these links to view it in action!

http://www.xbox.com/en-US/live/projectnatal/

http://www.youtube.com/xboxprojectnatal#uploads/3/I9tmr8VDqN8

It's really mind blowing stuff!!

But wait, after that announcement, the team over at Xbox invited Lionhead’s Peter Molyneux to demo what they have created with Project Natal.

This is where shit just gets insane. Watch this video….



Molyneux demoed a human interacting with a computer generated character, named Milo, using Project Natal’s technology. That’s right interacting! Milo recognized the person, conversed with her, even read off a piece of paper that she had written on!

So what does this mean you ask….

Xbox 360 + Project Natal = Milo

And what about when Milo becomes self aware???

Milo = Skynet!!!!



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Would You Wednesdays On Mondays

Would you rather...

Would you rather be late to every event in life but be on time for your wedding

or

be on time for everything and be late to your wedding?
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The Week That Was

In case you missed it....

• Gillete wants you to shave your junk to make your trunk look bigger! Huh??!!?
• Pop goes the weasel!! Woman blows away boyfriends manhood with fireworks!!!
• Megan Fox at a photoshoot... always interesting....
• Buffy reboot without Joss W???? Why even bother then?
• Jon Favreau on Iron Man 2 and Mickey Rourke as Whiplash
• "Die Hard" in a mall, Mall Cop is now out on DVD
• You can still get rape games in Japan
• DJ Hero looks sooo sweet!!!
• GTA The Ballad Of Gay Tony, the second Xbox 360 exclusive downloadable episode.
• Savita Bhabhi - The sexual adventures of a hot Indian Bhabhi ... WTF!
• Sextiquette 101

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The More You Know

Apparently, us guys were right all along. It is good for your skin!

A Norwegian company called Bioforskning (yes, thats the real name) has developed a facial treatment to minimize wrinkles and smooth skin utilizing spermine, an element in human sperm.

Russian Got Milk Advertisement

(I knew I was right... after all I am a genius...)

Yep! That’s right folks human sperm.

Guys have long thought this to be true but what's the thought process that goes into developing something like this. I wanna know who it was that was sitting at their kitchen table thinking, "Oh I know, jizz, that’s it! That'll do the trick! I betcha jizz is really good for your skin, let me test it out and then sell it for hundreds of dollars!"??

Thats right folks, the "treatment" will cost you about $250 per session. Seriously though, I'm sure you can find a cheaper source. So all you guys out there now have something to back up your claims. Girls you have a whole new thing coming to you...

And I thought this last treatment was cool!


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Moment of Vanity

I looked DAMN good today - and I didn't just look good because I'm good looking. Though I do admit it feels damn good, looking as good as I do. I got up this morning, got ready for my day, and as I passed the mirror I was like "Damn, I look good today!" (This is a daily occurrence for me, btw.)

You all get this reaction every now and then and it can be the result of many things. Usually you just have a new outfit on that you really like. Or you just got your haircut and you feel real “fresh”. (Ha ha I said 'fresh'.)

Everyone should have this happen to them at least once a week because it really does feel good. Unfortunately, for most of you out there, this is just not the case. (Don’t hate!) You’re too ugly! Plain and simple.

But wait, do not fret, there's hope for you yet. You know how you get hundreds of emails a day promising to make your “man parts” bigger, if only you would only try out that new experimental pill. Well what if I told you, that you too can have that “Damn! I’m good looking!” feeling when ever you wanted. In the convenience of a spray on bottle! Bet you’d plop down that Amex real quick wouldn’t you!?

Think about how much more productive you would be in your day to day life if you felt as good as, "The 2008 Worlds Sexiest Man" Hugh Jackman, looks. Or imagine what you could do if you believed you looked even as hot as me! (I got second place, and demanded a recount!)

“What, there’s a cop flagging me down? Fuck him, I’m damn good looking!”

“What boss you need me to work on Saturday? Fuck you! I’m going home early cause I’m damn good looking!”

"Whats that Megan Fox? You want to marry me? OK!"

Shoot, think about how much better an actor Hugh Jackman would be if he had that “Damn! I’m good looking!” feeling everyday! He would be like, “Damn! I look almost as good as WhoIsMookie today!” We might never of had to sit through the wackness of his called "movie", Australia. Wolverine would be so much more bad ass!

So for all you would be Casanova’s out there that just don’t have that confidence to walk up to the hot chick at the bar. For all you "guys" out there that don't have a big enough pair to go out and get what you want. Call to order today or send me a check for $149.95 and I’ll send you a 26 oz bottle of my sweat. Spray it on your face, and just feel my awesomeness.

Operators are standing by.


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Would You Wednesdays On Mondays

Would you punch your grandma hard for $25,000, and never be able to tell her why?



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The Week That Was

In case you missed it....

• Porn now used to better your health!?!?
• Mickey Mouse Dies, or rather the guy who did his voice.
• Me geek you long time. Geeks better in bed!
• Charles Darwin's theory of evolution proved true?
• The Girlfriend Experience (gfe), star Sasha Grey talks media.
• Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes trailer.
• Snake is back in Metal Gear 5???
• Tony Hawk: Ride sweet plastic peripherals.
• Terminator Salvation starts today!! (yesterday actually)
• Britney sexy again Spears in a bikini!
• Ghostbusters 3 filming begins in winter!?!

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It Came From The Interweb

This is why you’re fat!

------I’m pregnant! Asshole!!!------

Oh, not you then... my bad...

But you, over there... you fat bastard...

Yeah you...

This is why *you’re* fat.

The Corn Dog Casserole

A photoblog of foods that makes McDonalds look like a salad bar. Take for example The Corn Dog Casserole, “Layers composed of hash brown patties, crumbled bacon, baked beans, corn, french fries topped by corn dog slices with mustard icing.”

My heart slowed down just looking at those pictures…

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The More You Know

Mucophagy is the consumption of the mucus extracted from the nose with a finger, and is commonly referred to as “picking your nose and eating it”. (Where ‘it’ refers to the mucus and not your nose.)

Nose-picking generally is disgusting and to ingest it is even grosser… eww…

However, at least one well-known doctor sees nose-picking and mucophagy as beneficial. Prof. Dr. Friedrich Bischinger of Austria, thinks people who pick their nose have the right idea when it comes to proper nasal hygiene. Eating the dried remains found on your finger after a good deep dig makes perfect sense. When the bacteria in the boogers reach the booger eater’s intestines, it works as medicine giving your immune system a much-needed boost.

Now while this is refuted by the vast majority of the medical community, I can see why some of you out there would do it. Just don’t do it around me…
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Would You Wednesday On Monday

Almost forgot today!!!

Would you rather....

for a day have your saliva be replaced with urine?

or

for a day have your breath smell and taste like poo?

You have to choose!!

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When I Grow Up

When we were growing, up we all had dreams of becoming something really cool when we were older. There were some of us that wanted to be doctors, astronauts, a sports icon, and even the first black president. We all had dreams, and of course we changed our minds every now and then.

Here is what I wanted to be:


7-7:30 – Scrooge McDuck
7:30-8 – Inspector Gadget
8-8:30 – Captain Keith, Commander of Voltron (Black Lion)
8:30-9 – Any of the My Little Pony Ghostbusters crew
9-9:30 – Grumpy Smurf
9:30-10 – Michelangelo, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10-10:30 – Spiderman
10:30-11 – Superman
11-11:30 – Zack Morris

Lunch

3:30-4 – Snake from G.I. Joe
4-4:30 – Optimus Prime
4:30-5 – He-Man
5:30-6 – Lion-O from Thundercats
6-6:30 – Samantha Micelli’s boyfriend

Dinner

5:00-7:00 – Hulk Hogan
7:30-8 – Denise Huxtable’s boyfriend
8:00-9:00 – “Face” from The A Team


What about you guys??


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Happy Birthday Megan Fox

Its Megan Fox's 23rd Birthday!!!!
To celebrate I've put up a few pictures of her for you to enjoy.... so enjoy!!!



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The Week That Was

Heres a few links to stuff that got me feeling all tingly and stuff...

• World's largest bikini parade in Vegas sets Guinness World Record
• For you animal lovers out there a drowning kangaroo was rescued by surfer
• You're gonna have to find your "escort" for the prom the old fashioned way
• The updated Mike Tyson's Punch-Out is now available on the WII. Look out Glass Joe here I come.
• Megan Fox is now claiming to be bisexual, told you she was the perfect woman.
• Maxim Unveils Top 100, they made a mistake.
• One World Record, 500 pounds of quarters. Go Wiebe!!!
• Gameinformer has the first looks at Modern Warfare 2
• Microsoft Working on Zune HD. Really... they haven't given up yet?
• Xbox added more titles to their Platinum Hits line up.
• Warner Bros. working on a new He-Man movie.

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F*#k, Not Again

The touch of the cold tiles against the bare skin of my naked body awoke me from my deep coma like slumber. I tried to open my eyes but the bright lights shining off the walls halted my attempts. How did I get here? Where was “here”? Still confused, I tried once more to open my eyes, this time successfully. My head throbbed and my body ached as though I had just completed the Ironman triathlon. Gingerly, I pulled myself up to a seated position, and came to realize where I was. There I sat naked on my bathroom floor, surrounded by the contents of my still queasy stomach. Rubbing my temples with one hand to try and sooth my headache, I looked at my wristwatch to see that it was 6 am. As I sat there, I pondered one thought and one thought only, how did I end up here? Rather, how did I end up here, naked?

I began to piece together the events that unfolded the previous night. We were celebrating a friend’s birthday so we invited everyone over to our place for a few drinks before we went out to celebrate at the bars. Everyone started to arrive at around 7 pm, and I remember drinking a great many various alcoholic concoctions at our place. I recollect calling for cabs, arriving to the first bar, and walking with the wife over to the bar. After that my memories get a little hazy.

The remainder of the night was something straight out of a reality TV show, with only polaroids for memories. Polaroids with rowdy scenes of hot young women in tiny skirts gyrate their sweaty bodies to blaring music. Where intoxicated boys humiliate themselves trying to grind their junk up against the girl’s booties. Going from one bar to another eventually ending the night at some run-down dive that featured a 60 year old lounge singer dressed like Diana Ross.

Everything from here on out is based on what I have pieced together after speaking with the wife. According to the missus, “Kelly drove us home, and Brendan carried you upstairs…” (Being so drunk that I can not get myself home, by no means is a common occurrence for me.) Apparently, after Brendan and Kelly left, I decided that I needed a shower because I felt all “icky”. So I dashed into the bathroom and began to disrobe. Getting my head stuck in my shirt because I failed to unbutton the top two buttons, I stood there yelling for my wife to come and help me. She laughed at me as I stood there helpless and gasping for air. Just as we were able to free my head from the vise grip of my shirt, out spewed the entire contents of my stomach. While not entirely missing the porcelain throne, a vast majority of it ejected through my mouth and nose, landing onto the floor in a puketastic mess. After the disgorging ended, I didn’t want anything to do with moving any part of body in the slightest bit. After she cleaned up the mess, she tried helplessly to get me to bed. I fought her off and decided to lay down right there next to the can just in case, if only for a bit longer. (I must have vomited again over night!)

I must have gotten hot because even she doesn’t know how, when, or why I took off my pants and boxers. I suppose we will never know how it came to be. Maybe I was just hot. Perhaps I felt uncomfortable. Whatever the reason, it’s over and it’s something that I do not wish to revisit.
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Would You Wednesday On Monday

Would you rather....

...be famous for getting beat up by Clay Aiken or for banging Oprah?

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What I've Learned So Far

A few weekends ago I got my hands on an airsoft gun from a friend of mine. It was sooo cool, the shiny full metal body. It had a gas firing mechanism that when I shot it, it would blow back like a real gun. I had fun playing with it as I sat on my couch taking aim at the recently purchased wall ornament affixed clear across the room and down the hallway. My aim got pretty good, over and over hitting the dead center. That quickly got boring. Then my wife came home from brunch with her “girlfriends”. This is where things started to go bad.

For some reason, the second she walked in and I saw her in her tight jeans I instinctively knew what to do. But before I could get the shot off, she said “Don’t even think about shooting me with that thing.”

Now ladies when you say something like that it basically is an invitation. For a second I did think about the consequences, they couldn’t be that bad, and I couldn’t resist the target. Then I took aim and shot off 5 rounds, three hitting their mark squarely on her butt cheeks. She yelled out in pain. Then my wife went on to outline the pain she felt for the next 20 minutes. Instantly I felt bad and had agreed to let her shoot me several times.

If you own an airsoft gun, be careful the urge may be too much to resist. If you end up purchasing one, then shooting your girl, and agreeing to let her shoot you in return, be sure not to be wearing shorts at the time. Loose fitting sweat pants would be much better at absorbing the initial sting. Also have an exit strategy mapped out, as well as, where to get your meals for the next couple of days.
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Good BAD Mothers Day Gifts

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, and moms all over will be given wonderful presents from their children. Most moms don’t expect extravagant gifts, a macaroni necklace and a few hours of uninterrupted time would be fine. But if you are in the market for a lil something, I have put together a list of some stuff that you should definitely not get mom. These are gift ideas that, unless specifically asked for, should never be given.

• Cook books – you sure you want to ridicule her.
• Duct tape – its not father’s day.
• Vacuum cleaner – nothing gives her a better idea of her valuation in your eyes
• Socks – we all have socks that have worn thin and we need replacements, but not as a present.
• Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer – you’re thinking she has scented candles, comfy slippers, and bath beads. With this you can further the spa experience at home…. Not really.
• Sexy Lingerie – probably not a good idea unless she is a stripper.
• Sex toys – if you mom is single, you might think this is a good idea…. its not, really its not.
• Nothing – she went through hours of pain to pop you out of a wee lil gap… you have to get something.

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100 Things To Do Before I Die

Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson star in a movie about two terminally ill men, who head off on a road trip with a list of things to do before they die. They call it their Bucket List. Since the movie was released, tons of people have talked about what they wanted to accomplish before they bite the dust. They put together list like "100 things" they wanted to do before they die. All of their lofty goals, make me tired just reading about them all. I don't have the time for that, so I’m going the route of Michael Ian Black, and have put together my fuck-it list. Its the anti-bucket list. All the crap I really don't care to accomplish.... Enjoy!

• Forgive my enemies
• Get a male brazilian wax
• Swim across any body of water
• Become "brave enough" to kill spiders... eww pass the raid
• Become a vegetarian... i love bacon
• See miley cyrus in concert
• Climb a mountain.... not even a little one
• Make a snow angel naked
• Pretend that sexist, gay, or racist jokes are not funny... cause they are
• Solve a rubik's cube
• Read Twilight
• "Grow up"...f that... Im a toys r us kid

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I &hearts Megan Fox part 2

There really isnt much more to say....
I just wanted to show you this video of her during a photoshoot for Esquire Magazine. She is absolutely stunning...

http://www.esquire.com/the-side/video/megan-fox-video

I would totally just sit there and watch her do the most mundane things.... sigh...
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The More You Know

Caring for your skin is all the rage. Botox injections, chemical peels, anti-aging creams, are used daily by women and men alike. When it comes to the never ending quest to stave off aging, it seems, some are willing to try just about anything.

Placenta, yes the organ that is in a mammals belly connecting the developing fetus to the uterine wall, is a key ingredient in some skin care products. There are an assortment of wrinkle creams and face masks, that are placenta based and touted as natural skin care products. Not restricted to women, there are apparently also aftershaves for men. They are supposed to do a better job of healing skin and aid in the body’s natural ability to produce collagen for smoother skin.

So go out and try them out today, achieve the moisturized healthy look your skin craves.
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Where Is Mookie’s Day Off

Ferris Bueller’s Day off is definetly one of the best 80’s movies in existence. Of course there are other favorites, but they have nothing to do with today’s blog entry. The genius that is The Ferris Experience, is something we have all sought to replicate in our own lives. Skipping school, driving a Ferrari, outsmarting “The Man” at every turn, and singing in a parade in the middle of downtown Chicago are things we all have dreamt about doing.

I recently watched FBDO for the umpteenth time, and thought to myself, maybe I should take a day off from work; just call out sick. When I was younger I would just take a day off and spend it sleeping, drinking, and playing video games. Work on that thesis about the religion of porn. Go to NYC, just to walk around and get some lunch with friends at Scores with our fake ids… etc.. etc. All great memories that I just wanted to relive.

But today days off from work are spent helping around the house, doing things that don't need to be done, and generally trying desperately to uphold the oath you took in front of the judge. The little things like waking up past noon are replaced with trips to strip malls and other various shopping locations that you would never go to even if the great king Leonidas himself ordered you at threat of death. SPARTA BITCHES!

Yea, I want a clean home but I don’t want to waste my sick days from work, working on my honey do list. But with our lifestyles today, we really don’t have the time in our regular lives to complete these mundane tasks. They are after all an investment in your comfort and enjoyment. So the only time to do it would be during your days off. Its sad I know…

But not me, I choose not and will not succumb to this grim reality. I will take a sick day and drink bourbon for breakfast. I will sing in the shower and master the shampoo Mohawk. I will go to a snooty restaurant under a pseudonym, taking the identity of The Sausage King of Chicago. I will try to wind back the odometer by running the car backwards…. I will….

And as Cameron points out, sometimes you gotta take a stand. I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that effect me unfold to determine the course of my life. Go out and enjoy the day people… screw it…

"Life moves pretty fast...
...if you don't stop to look around once in a while you could miss it."
-- Ferris Bueller

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Fistful Of Payback

This years E3 (Electronic Entertainment Expo) is fast approaching and is highly anticipated. We expect great announcements from the three major console developers regarding new exclusive titles and hotly anticipated sequels to some of the greatest games of the past few years…COD anyone?…

But that’s not why I am particularly excited about this years E3 expo. What I’m really looking forward to is a rematch to determine the true King of Kong. Steve Wiebe is headed to Los Angeles to take back his crown. What am I talking about you ask?

King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, a very impressive documentary about arcade-dwelling video game lovers after the “Donkey Kong” world record. The doc follows Billy Mitchell and his out-of-nowhere challenger Steve Wiebe, who is attempting to top Mitchell’s all time high score in DK. This record is the video game equivalent of Joe DiMaggio’s “unbeatable” consecutive games hitting streak. It all sounds very nerdy and you might be put off by this, but skipping this documentary would be an epic fail.

The battle for DK supremacy is only the story behind the story. What is really entertaining about the documentary is the fierce competition among these classic video game players captured in a comedic epic. The doc captures fear and heroism, tears and jeers, all in a running time of apx 80 mins. The truth is if you don’t play at all, you may find yourself enjoying the film more than any gamer. You will get all the laughs minus the cringing self-recognition.

The battle between these two gaming giants is put together is a “Rocky” formula, where you can’t help but root for the underdog and hate the antagonist. The doc is a reminder of how we all have to prove ourselves to others, and the extent to which the odds are stacked against newbs and outsiders. Seth Gordon put together a documentary that will infuriate and exhilarate you at the same time.

Go watch this masterpiece, then join me in rooting for Wee-bee!

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Big Chicks Need Love Too

This past weekend, I got a call from a buddy of mine asking me if I wanted to go to a local sports bar. We hadn’t hung out in some time so I decided to just go and get a few beers with him.

I got to the bar early and ordered myself a brew while I waited for him to get there. Three beers later, he finally shows up. (If you’re reading this, you’re an asshole.) So we started to talk about work and sports, you know the usual crap. Then from the corner of his eye, he noticed these two girls across the bar looking over and smiling. Jim looked over at them, smiled, and nodded. Then he turned back to me and said, “Oh, God! Porkers!”

Yea I know, sort of messed up… Not only for saying it loud enough that they could have heard, but because they really weren’t all that fat. Sure they could stand to lose a few pounds, but who wants skin and bones anyway; you want something to grab onto. Anyway, I told him how I felt and he said, “You’re just saying that because you’re married and it doesn’t matter to you anymore.”

While that might be true, I told him that I had been with a thick chick before. That people need to stop and take a look at the person inside and not just their outer beauty. I told him that hot chicks know that they are hot, and so you have to work that much harder just to get an inch. Then I told him that there are benefits to having a fat girlfriend. For one, she can probably cook great! And because there are so many guys that think the way he does, they don’t get approached that often. This in turn means that they probably don’t get laid as much as they would like to. So she will be more open to trying new things… just think of all the possibilities. Plus, she won’t leave you, or cheat on you because nobody else has ever noticed them before. Since society has not been nice to them, you can pretty much be guaranteed that they know how to support themselves. She probably has a great personality, and must have developed some intellect in order to have a social life. Remember all she has to do is lose a few pounds.

So instead of chasing after hot chicks, who undoubtedly have detestable and unchangeable personalities, give yourself a chance at tons of love.

He sent over some drinks; he is going out with one of them Friday night.

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The More You Know

When crystal meth is abused it can cause agitation, paranoia, and bizarre behavior. It will cause anxiety, emotional swings, and paranoia.

What crystal meth also does is boosts your alertness, while causing exhilaration and euphoria. Sounds good right, well there is something else that it causes. Crystal meth blocks hunger and fatigue. So if you need to lose a few pounds, this will do the job.

Oh, by the way, crystal meth can cause you to die!

Here is a report on crystal meth use for weight loss. Read more ...

Geek 101

Privacy in this digital world is very important to us all. We have files on our hard drive that we don’t want anyone else knowing about. If you’re using a common PC used by the whole family, you can still maintain that privacy.

There are many ways to “hide” folders, but most require you to install software, which could then be spotted by someone. You could go and get encryption software but who wants to go through all that technical stuff. I want to show you a simple trick in Windows that you can use to actually hide files inside of JPG files!
You can hide any type of file including: txt, exe, avi, mp3, or any other file type. And you can hide as many files as you want under the same JPG file.

In order for you to be able to do this you’re going to need either Winzip or WinRAR. Search Google you will find them. Now follow these steps:


Create a new folder in your root directory and name it “test", C:\test

Now put all the files that you want to hide into that folder

In that “test” folder highlight and select the files you want to hide. Only select the files you want to hide, and not the picture file.

Right-click on them and choose the option to add them to a Zip or RAR file, and name it “secret.rar” or “secret.zip” depending on which compression you are using.
You should now have a folder that contains your original JPG file, your original files you wanted to hide, and the new “secret” compressed file.


Now this is where it gets a little tricky if you aren’t careful.

Open the command prompt by going to Start then Run and type in “CMD” without the quotes then press Enter.

The command prompt window should now be open.
Type in CD\ then hit Enter to get to the root directory of your hard drive

Type in CD and the directory name, in this case, CD test, then press Enter

Then type in copy /b IMG0001.jpg + secret.rar IMG0001.jpg

Make sure the file extension names are correct as you do have to type the entire file name with extension in the command. then press Enter

Also place the JPG file that you want to use into that same folder

That should be it! Your folder with all the files in it will look no different, but if you check the properties of the JPG file, you will see that the file size is bigger. It has increased by the same amount as the total size of the archive.

Now when you want to extract the files out of the JPG file just right click on it and Open With either WinRAR or WinZip.

So go ahead and hide all your porn so that your little sister doesn’t come across something and find out what DVDA stands for!

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What I've Learned So Far

Even though I’ve only been married for a short period of time, here is an example of what I’ve learned so far.

For the last few weeks my wife’s aunt, who lives about an hour away, has been inviting us over for dinner. I really like her aunt and uncle so I don’t mind going over there and spending time with them. We hadn’t been up there at all this year and besides, a well cooked meal is always welcome. Unfortunately, we have been really busy with work and prior engagements that we were obligated to go to. Finally this past weekend we had an opening in our hectic schedule and were delighted to be going over Saturday afternoon.

Now this is where your lesson starts….
While my wife was texting away on her cell phone, I was driving. As we neared her aunt’s home I said “I think we have to make a right up at the next light.”

“Nope, it’s the second light.” she proclaimed.

Now we were both agreed to the fact that we needed to make a right, the question was at which light.

So I thought about it for a second and said, “No it’s definitely this light. I remember from the last time we came.”

She quickly countered, “You can’t remember what we had for dinner last week, we haven’t been here in over eight months, trust me it’s the second light.”

So I started to get irked and said, “Look, I’m the one who always drives us here, and I’m telling you we need to make a right at this light.”

To which she responds, “Well, if you remember, I was in the car too and it’s at the second light that we need to turn.”

Now I was at a boiling point, and I was about ready to say something that I knew would come back to haunt me later. Instead I calmed down and said, “Okay, we’ll go to the second light and turn there.”

She was totally taken aback by this, and I could see the gears turning in her mind, trying to figure out what I was up to. She wondered whether I was being serious, or if I was just patronizing her. So what did I do…. that’s right I drove past the first light and made the turn at the second!

So one of two things would happen:

1: My wife was right. We saved time and she thinks I was willing to listen to her, even when it came to directions. Result for me: Win!

2: I was right. (Insert evil laugh) We wasted time, but I was right! Result for me: Win!

What you should take away: Make sure you don’t rub it in and rejoice in your triumph. Maybe let out a little smile, but careful not too much, you don’t want to be caught with the smile on your face. Just turn around and start driving in the right direction. Well done my young padawan.
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Where The F*%k Is My Hoverboard

Dear Science,

Where the fuck is my hoverboard? Nearly 20 years ago I was blown away as I watched Marty McFly shred pavement to escape the grips of his nemesis, Griff Tannen in Back To The Future Part II. You remember the hoverboard, it was just like a skateboard with one crucial difference: no wheels.

I spent countless hours during my childhood daydreaming about how it would work and what it would look like… surely it would come in other colors and not just pink. There were rumors that Mattel had actually made hoverboards, though they couldn’t release them due to saftety concerns from parents groups. (I hate parents…. I promise to never be an “asshole parent” and let my kids do whatever they wanted.) Then my dreams were shattered by the director of the movie, Robert Zemeckis himself. Apparently Michael J Fox has claimed that Zemeckis grew tired of questions about the special effects, and began to answer with such responses as, “What do you mean, how did we do it? It’s a real hover-board. It flies. Michael [J. Fox] just practiced a lot.” Wocka Wocka, thats hilarious asshole.

So hoverboards weren’t in existence then, but its been apx 20 years since the movie came out. According to the movie we should have them by 2015, but the closest things we have are lame hoverboards from Future Horizons, and Hammacher Schlemmer’s even lamer levitating Hover Scooter. They are great starts but I want the holy grail of hoverboards, the one from Mattel.

So I implore you scientist of the world. Please! Please, make me a hover board! Sure I might look like and idiot at 36 years of age trying to keep my balance on a child’s toy, but I want one! Maybe I’ll just get one for my kid and use it in the backyard myself when no one is looking. Anyway, you have 6 more years to make the fantasy of millions a reality.

Sincerely,

WhoIsMookie


P.S. The blow dryer jacket and self inflatable Nikes, can you work on those too!

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Happy 420

Seeing as how today is 4/20, I thought it was a perfect day to take a serious look at the debate of legalizing marijuana. Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington have all passed medical marijuana legislation. Now New Jersey along with Pennsylvania and Michigan are currently considering legalizing marijuana for medical use.

In February the state Senate of NJ approved a bill that would allow the medical use of marijuana. It is the first time such legislation has emerged from the committee. A full vote is still needed by the Assembly, but Gov. Corzine has said he would sign the bill. The New Jersey bill would authorize state-registered smokers and their primary caregivers to have up to six marijuana plants and one ounce of marijuana.

Now while you ponder the ramifications of such legislation, I’m going to go finish this bowl…..

**Cough… Cough…**

Sweet, where was I…
O right, that’s sooooo awesome…. Go Corzine!!! U rock!!! Woooo hoooo!!!! I believe it should be legalized all over the country cause its sooo kewl… and it will raise so much nomey in taxes…. I’m hungry……… I want some cheetos …… Chester cheata….. or lucky charms, silly wabbit trix r for kids….Oooo KfC … chickin…


If you got som chikin get me some......

I love you mary jane.... Read more ...

It Came From The Interweb

Why The Fuck Do You Have A Kid?, is an awesome website. The site takes a look at the strange world of teen pregnancies in all its glory. They avoid pointing any fingers or laughing at any single economic class, group, race or gender and instead shows how absurd it is for some to bring a child into this world.

There aren't just pictures of teens in cut off daisy dukes and midriff-barring t-shirts, there are also pictures of the idiot guy who fathered the poor child. If like myself your a fan of social anthrophology, or just sort of an asshole, you will love this site.

Here is a select sampling of goodies on the site... enjoy!



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Good Pirates Get Busted

The only good pirates in the world got busted! The guys behind The Pirate Bay were sentenced yesterday to a one-year jail sentence, but vowed to users "the losing party will appeal."

Swedish courts ruled against the founders of The Pirate Bay, the file-sharing web site we have all used, on Friday. Fredrik Neij, Gottfrid Svartholm Warg, Peter Sunde Kolmsioppi, and Carl Lundstroem were handed a year behind bars and ordered to pay $3.6 million in compensation and damages. After the verdict was announced Kolmsioppi went to his Twitter page to tell fans: "Nothing will happen to TPB [The Pirate Bay], us personally or file-sharing whatsoever. This is just a theatre for the media."

Here’s hoping these pirates can continue to loot…

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The More You Know

We all know that red wine is good for your heart. Well in Korea they have a different type of wine that has its own health benefits. Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic".Poor villagers that fell ill started brewing it as a remedy for everything from asthma to liver problems.

Little baby rodents no more than 2-3 days old, so that there is no fur and their eyes aren't opened yet, are packed inside a large bottle of distilled rice wine and fermented for about a year. Aged to perfection....
Wonder if its rude to have cheese with this wine?

There is a picture after the break if you want to see....

All rite enjoy...

I can't believe you came to look....

Well here it is...

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