What I've Learned So Far

A few weekends ago I got my hands on an airsoft gun from a friend of mine. It was sooo cool, the shiny full metal body. It had a gas firing mechanism that when I shot it, it would blow back like a real gun. I had fun playing with it as I sat on my couch taking aim at the recently purchased wall ornament affixed clear across the room and down the hallway. My aim got pretty good, over and over hitting the dead center. That quickly got boring. Then my wife came home from brunch with her “girlfriends”. This is where things started to go bad.

For some reason, the second she walked in and I saw her in her tight jeans I instinctively knew what to do. But before I could get the shot off, she said “Don’t even think about shooting me with that thing.”

Now ladies when you say something like that it basically is an invitation. For a second I did think about the consequences, they couldn’t be that bad, and I couldn’t resist the target. Then I took aim and shot off 5 rounds, three hitting their mark squarely on her butt cheeks. She yelled out in pain. Then my wife went on to outline the pain she felt for the next 20 minutes. Instantly I felt bad and had agreed to let her shoot me several times.

If you own an airsoft gun, be careful the urge may be too much to resist. If you end up purchasing one, then shooting your girl, and agreeing to let her shoot you in return, be sure not to be wearing shorts at the time. Loose fitting sweat pants would be much better at absorbing the initial sting. Also have an exit strategy mapped out, as well as, where to get your meals for the next couple of days.
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Big Chicks Need Love Too

This past weekend, I got a call from a buddy of mine asking me if I wanted to go to a local sports bar. We hadn’t hung out in some time so I decided to just go and get a few beers with him.

I got to the bar early and ordered myself a brew while I waited for him to get there. Three beers later, he finally shows up. (If you’re reading this, you’re an asshole.) So we started to talk about work and sports, you know the usual crap. Then from the corner of his eye, he noticed these two girls across the bar looking over and smiling. Jim looked over at them, smiled, and nodded. Then he turned back to me and said, “Oh, God! Porkers!”

Yea I know, sort of messed up… Not only for saying it loud enough that they could have heard, but because they really weren’t all that fat. Sure they could stand to lose a few pounds, but who wants skin and bones anyway; you want something to grab onto. Anyway, I told him how I felt and he said, “You’re just saying that because you’re married and it doesn’t matter to you anymore.”

While that might be true, I told him that I had been with a thick chick before. That people need to stop and take a look at the person inside and not just their outer beauty. I told him that hot chicks know that they are hot, and so you have to work that much harder just to get an inch. Then I told him that there are benefits to having a fat girlfriend. For one, she can probably cook great! And because there are so many guys that think the way he does, they don’t get approached that often. This in turn means that they probably don’t get laid as much as they would like to. So she will be more open to trying new things… just think of all the possibilities. Plus, she won’t leave you, or cheat on you because nobody else has ever noticed them before. Since society has not been nice to them, you can pretty much be guaranteed that they know how to support themselves. She probably has a great personality, and must have developed some intellect in order to have a social life. Remember all she has to do is lose a few pounds.

So instead of chasing after hot chicks, who undoubtedly have detestable and unchangeable personalities, give yourself a chance at tons of love.

He sent over some drinks; he is going out with one of them Friday night.

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What I've Learned So Far

Even though I’ve only been married for a short period of time, here is an example of what I’ve learned so far.

For the last few weeks my wife’s aunt, who lives about an hour away, has been inviting us over for dinner. I really like her aunt and uncle so I don’t mind going over there and spending time with them. We hadn’t been up there at all this year and besides, a well cooked meal is always welcome. Unfortunately, we have been really busy with work and prior engagements that we were obligated to go to. Finally this past weekend we had an opening in our hectic schedule and were delighted to be going over Saturday afternoon.

Now this is where your lesson starts….
While my wife was texting away on her cell phone, I was driving. As we neared her aunt’s home I said “I think we have to make a right up at the next light.”

“Nope, it’s the second light.” she proclaimed.

Now we were both agreed to the fact that we needed to make a right, the question was at which light.

So I thought about it for a second and said, “No it’s definitely this light. I remember from the last time we came.”

She quickly countered, “You can’t remember what we had for dinner last week, we haven’t been here in over eight months, trust me it’s the second light.”

So I started to get irked and said, “Look, I’m the one who always drives us here, and I’m telling you we need to make a right at this light.”

To which she responds, “Well, if you remember, I was in the car too and it’s at the second light that we need to turn.”

Now I was at a boiling point, and I was about ready to say something that I knew would come back to haunt me later. Instead I calmed down and said, “Okay, we’ll go to the second light and turn there.”

She was totally taken aback by this, and I could see the gears turning in her mind, trying to figure out what I was up to. She wondered whether I was being serious, or if I was just patronizing her. So what did I do…. that’s right I drove past the first light and made the turn at the second!

So one of two things would happen:

1: My wife was right. We saved time and she thinks I was willing to listen to her, even when it came to directions. Result for me: Win!

2: I was right. (Insert evil laugh) We wasted time, but I was right! Result for me: Win!

What you should take away: Make sure you don’t rub it in and rejoice in your triumph. Maybe let out a little smile, but careful not too much, you don’t want to be caught with the smile on your face. Just turn around and start driving in the right direction. Well done my young padawan.
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One Hour Rule

Some days are rougher than others; they weigh heavily on your shoulders. You might be stressed because the due date for a particular project has suddenly been moved up. Or because you found out that you need to let go of two people on your team because of budgetary reasons. Or simply because it’s only Monday, and you know there are still four days left in the work week….. Then the second you step through the door it starts; how was your day? Where did you go for lunch? What do you want for dinner? Did you pick up the milk? Blah.. Blah.. Blah... The last thing you want to do when you get home is play 20 questions. This inquisition is not going to help alleviate any stress you may have been dealing with. So for the betterment of our marriage, and my sanity, I have enacted a new rule. It’ll give me a chance to cool off and not get upset with her over something she hasn’t caused.

I’ve told my wife that we need to enact a one hour rule. On days that you’ve just had too much on your plate and you just know that you are in a bad mood, put it into play. As soon as she starts with the third degree, I simply say “One hour rule!” So from that point I have one hour to forget everything that happened during the course of the day that got me into such a shitty mood. I’ll go change, grab a beer and just sit on my chair, as I do and think of absolutely nothing. She will wait patiently for me to de-stress and become my usual self.

This works both ways, there are days when the wife will come home after having a rough day and will enact her own one hour rule. I will leave her alone as she removes the stress of the day. Don’t get me wrong, we talk about stuff all the time. Everyone needs that shoulder. Now while this might seem a bit extreme to some of you, think about it. It’s better than getting into an argument with your significant other over work related stress. Go home and try it today. You’ll thank me for it later….

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Saving Money For The Single Guy

We are in hard economic times, we all know that. Yet you’re the one who has to take a girl out on a date that consists of more than a burger and fries. So I’ve come up with 10 money saving strategies for you to save that green. Then when you do go out on that date you can spend it wisely on her…

1. Split your 2 ply into 1 ply - savings 50% per year – Your toilet paper purchases over the year will be cut in half. You can wipe just as well with that single ply as you can with that 2ply.

2. Wash your clothes once a week - save over $200 a year – Are you washing clothes after just one wear? Crazy... Think about it you don’t have a dirty job, do physical labor, and live in a clean house. No need to wash clothes every time you wear them.

3. Flush the toilet less - savings $100/yr - average family uses 75000 gallons of water per year just flushing!!! So cut back water usage and save money too, "if it’s yellow, let it mellow".

4. Don’t shower regularly - savings apx. $195/yr - You use an average of 2 gallons of water per minute that you shower. Shower every other day, or when you get complaints that you smell like a rotten butt.
Pro Tip: Go soap-less and shampoo-less for those extra bucks!

5. Look to the sky - savings in the hundreds - Use a rain barrel in your back yard and use the water it catches for everything. Shower with it, wash your clothes with it, this will save you a fortune on your water bills! (Should be used in conjunction with previous tips.)
Pro Tip: Rain barrels aren’t expensive but make your own; you ARE trying to save!

6. Go Commando! - savings $98/yr - Yea your mom told you to always wear clean underwear, but really.... who really sees it. Besides no one is smelling them and they sure as hell don’t know if you’re wearing any under your trousers! Besides it'll be easier access for the ladies...

7. Dumpster Dive - save thousands per year - Hobos swear by it! What you’re too good for it? You'd be surprised at what some restaurants will throw away. Restaurants separate their edible garbage from the un-edible trash. So you have to wait till closing time, but you might just come across some veal.

8. Steal Condiments - savings $52.68/yr - If you scrape up enough coin to order from your favorite dollar menu, steal condiments. Don’t just stop at the ketchup, but grab the mustard and relish too. Pinch anything that you can use later at home.
Pro Tip: Wear a jacket with multiple pockets, so you can grab yourself those plastic utensils too!

9. Buy Natty Ice! - savings 50% - Why waste money on the expensive shit when Natty Ice can get the job done just as well!

10. Become an Art Fan - savings hundreds/yr – A great places to get your drink on at no cost is at art gallery openings. The openings are usually free and they almost always have free wine! You might get lucky and find hors d'oeuvres there too! So what if the art sucks make your rounds and duck out.

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